Is Forgiving Really Necessary? Part 1
It starts as a mysterious fading of green. Changes often missed by us, but detected by foliage everywhere, trigger a response that sends shockwaves around the world. As the green begins to fade, other colors begin to take its place. Shades and hues and hints and patterns and even mixtures not seen before begin to dazzle the senses and take our breath away. We humans stand in awe, painting portraits, taking pictures, staring with googly eyes, and even trying to paint or decorate the interior of our homes to match what we see outside. Fall is the favorite time of year for many people all over the world. Who would’ve thought, in a plot twist, that we could love death so much?
That’s a jolting thought isn’t it? But isn’t that what it is? Many plants detect that light energy from the sun is beginning to fade earlier than later. Which means less energy for them to produce photosynthesis. Winter is coming. And they have 3 months to prepare. They start to retreat into themselves in a sense, gathering resources and storing them for the cold times.
This is why leaves begin to change color. Less sun means less green. A belt of color wraps around the planet. But soon this color that attracts the attention of so many, turns brown. No other creature in creation sees this as a good thing. They know that the color and change in light is a sign to prepare for 3-4 months or longer in some places of challenges.
In Nature, this isn’t evil. It’s necessary as a driver for the cycles of life. In order for these plants to survive, they have to let go of their leaves, and when the light returns, they can produce new leaves and fruit for those that bear fruit. But in order for this to happen, leaves must die.
Ah!! Do you have to be so morbid Chap?! You just ruined my favorite season? Hmmm. Have you ever stopped to realize that many times, in our affection for Fall, we reflect its reality in our own relationships? Let me explain.
There are 2 lessons that Fall teaches us about life, and more specifically, relationships.
1. The Fading Color: Reaction
Just as plants, like many trees, begin to detect the fading light and reflect this reality in their leaves, so we too can detect a “fading” in our relationships. This “fading” can come in many different forms or names. But it begins to trigger a response/reaction in us.
The “Fading” can be poor communication, lack of intimacy, trauma responses, consistent and distant attitude, failure to meet needs, ignoring love languages, and the extremes, not excluding pornography or other forms of adultery. We detect this “fading” and often don’t know what to do with it. So we hold it in. Retreat into ourselves. Pulling back from love and affection. Withholding the moments that matter. Storing up within us emotions such as anger and resentment and sadness.
And let’s say, the seasons pass and spring once again comes our way. Light pours into the space. The source of our “fading” is trying to make amends. The leaves can be produced again. But now, all we can produce is toxic leaves and bitter fruit. We have stored up so much negative energy that hasn’t been released, that we can only produce what is from the heart. And what is in the heart, is unforgiveness.
Unforgiveness is very much much like a cancer. It steals the good from its victim like a parasite and drains them of the vital energy needed to stay alive. It chokes out the relationship’s hope of ever having a life-giving “Spring” and can even lead to the death of an individual, whether metaphorically or literally.
Every aspect of our being can become poisoned because of it. If we allow it to completely take over, we will miss out on so much in life. Some of us have been so used to the fading colors of unforgiveness that it has become normal. The home is decorated with the colorful reactions that stem from an unforgiving heart. And when the cold times of our lives finally come, there is no stored up positive energy to be called upon to maintain a healthy relationship.
2. Letting Go: Response
Thankfully, Fall is more so about Hope and change than anything else. The truth is that everything goes through cycles. From water to the cells in our bodies, the patterns that come and go drive the necessary changes that must take place for balance and growth.
So now let’s look at this with the eyes of hope. Certain trees, specifically, detect fading rays of sunlight and BEGIN THE CYCLE OF RELEASING things that will drain it of its energy in the cold times. If they don’t, then they will not survive. In order for this to happen, it has to stop supplying the leaves, slowly starving them until they fall off. When the sunlight increases in Spring, they come back to life and once again become a blessing to many.
We can learn this same process when it comes to our relationships. Choosing to stop feeding the negativity which allows us to stay in the grips of unforgiveness. Stop feeding animosity and thoughts of revenge. Stop dwelling on the past as if it’s still there, if the other person is making obvious attempts to reconcile. Stop holding guilt over the heads of those who have moved forward. Stop holding onto guilt period. Stop sacrificing love and affection as an act revenge. Release these things. Can you imagine all of the pain, the memories, the hurt, the past, the rage, etc… falling like leaves in Autumn?!?!
None of these things satisfy. And if we stay in it, we will become used to it. If we get used to it, it will feel like we are in control of it. If we feel in control, we will become addicted to the feeling. And just like those beautiful leaves in the Fall, we too will eventually fade away. Why is this? Because when we get to this point, it’s hard to let go and be free, in fact, we won’t even want to. It becomes a part of us and we cling to it like a suit of armor. We will become as dead-looking as trees in Winter, with nothing on the inside to preserve us. But when we let these things go, we will have life in the cold times and survive the lows of every relationship.